4/18/14

I'm trying to figure it out but I think I started my return to voice lessons - return to training my voice in August, 2013.

Since then I've had about 3 lessons a week, 20/30 min each. I am making strides.  Since then I:

Practice almost everyday between lessons - following instruction from my recorded lessons (I record most of my lessons).

The quality of my practice has greatly improved. I am not besieged by horrible gremlin judgements while singing and have developed a new muscle: observation.  I send an email to my teacher letting her know what vocaleses I do and how they went; what I noticed and send it off to her.  It's my way of helping myself be observant (because I want to express what I noticed) and a low key way to be accountable.

I don't beat myself up for not practicing. I don't always want to practice when I do anyway.  Practicing has become a kind of "hygiene" for me. It's good hygiene for well-being (I feel good physically and mentally and emotionally after I sing - from intake of oxygen, having a break from other things, working toward a goal - though less so for this).

I am taking the long view and not attaching as much to an "endgame" as I did in my previous years of study with Susan.  As I mentioned, I did musical theater and harbored wishes to be the star - of my childhood dreams. Since it wouldn't be Broadway, maybe it could be somewhere local.  But my "needing" to be good - to compete, to get the part, to prove to myself and everyone, to impress - to whatever - were counterproductive to learning to sing.  So much emotional baggage took my train of the tracks most of the time.

Writers and dancers and actors who train seriously often are "required" "forbidden" etc that they not perform at all. Performing is kind of detrimental actually because skills (technical) are not in place and the pressure of auditions, the pressure to perform consistently when cast can really wreck havoc on a person.  Consider having constant fears that you can't always hit the high notes or not have the technique and stamina to sing an entire show without wrecking your voice every time - eeuw. That's just bad. Demoralizing.

So Susan and my experiment is about singing. Learning to sing. Learning to sing "legit" (and improving my belt" - learning to blend. Learning to have choices. Learning to observe and feel the subtleties of my bodies cues. Learning to breathe and support - building muscle.  Gaining confidence in skills that become grooved.  "Flying" and enjoying the pleasure of singing.

A lot of this was out of reach. I inadvertently pushed them away in my rush to "be good".

This is a lesson in process. A practice of "being with" - just as meditators learn. It's not the result but the process. And paradoxically the results more swiftly and smoothly but not only "surrendering" but embracing to the process without results.

I don't know what the endgame even looks like.  As my voice develops,  I don't recognize it. I don't know it - and that's a wonderful surprise. I say - wow - did you hear hear that note? That was great!  And sometimes now - I will sing a handful of bars and the breathing will be easy or the feel will be light and bouncy - these are glimpses of my development.  These I take great pleasure in. They are what is being ushered towards me as I move towards them on my journey to sing.

PS
Learning to sing without a big, urgent endgame opens you as it has done me, to greater self-kindness, patience, OK'ness with what is.  The "preciousness" of my lessons has lessened as I get to have another try in a few days. So I've relaxed "into" instruction.  It's more OK for things to not go OK. It's OK when they go well too cause I'll have another crack soon to see if it was, not a fluke, but only a glimmer or a new real thing coming in.

Thanks,
Heather