January 13, 2014
It is stuck in my head that I've been hitting my head against the wall of my demons for 13 years. It's actually longer.
I called Susan N. when I was 27. Fresh from huge left turn in my life when I dropped out of an education program to teach secondary education. I was overwhelmed - not sleeping, or eating - basically keeping a constant hum of anxiety attacks at bay - barely. The thing that I believe would have put me over the edge was to go forward and face 2 classrooms of students 5 days a week for 6 months. I had no idea how I'd get through. So I pulled out.
I regret it. But also if I had not made that left turn I would NEVER have met the most positive influences of my life: Susan (my wonderful friend and voice teacher and mentor and and and!).
From an early age, I'd loved musicals - like close and lock my brother's room to play and lose myself in singing along with record albums until he'd come home and politely kick me out. He had a stereo, you know - speakers. I had a portable record player that was fine for "babies" but not now that I was 10, 11, 12, 13.....
Think of it - I was 10 when A Chorus Line, Annie, and Chicago were hot hot hot! I saw them all. Can you imagine - the excitement that coursed through my body was electric. I wanted nothing more than to sing and dance and act on Broadway - channeling, inspiring, changing people's lives with music and dance and story. Give hope. Give light. As it had given to me.
While I totally plugged into the electricity - the feeling of it all - the technical parts were barriers.
Learning to dance. That takes dance classes (which I loved). But it takes A LOT of classes to train your body. You need resources to do that. I danced around my living room like that line in Chorus Line - and that was great but not enough.
When I started to take voice lessons, it was so difficult. Tight throat. Hoarse throat. I was about 15 or so.... And while I WANTED it BAD. Wanting is not enough when you have to face practice. I hated to listen to my voice. I struggled along for awhile switched teachers in high school and finally "gave up" - that is until I was 27 and seeking salvation in my shame of having dropped out of the program and working a shitty temp job as a clerk, I found Susan..
When I first spoke to Susan, I told her I wanted to be sing like "Cinderella" in "Into the Woods" - which is basically a light classical sound. Ha! Far away from what I could do.
I had lots of enthusiasm. For talking. For therap-izing, for avoiding the work during my lessons. We met meeting weekly. Slowly I learned. And learned to belt. Which gave me fuel to keep going when trying to become a more classical singer was / or seemed outside my realm.
The illusion of loving something SO MUCH can make you think (falsely) that you can do it. Art-making is often accessed from so many paths - and sometimes completely opposite from head-on that it can make you head spin. Wanting it doesn't make it possible to do it. But it'll keep you going and/or coming back.
Susan never never gave up on me. She carefully guided me into at least vocalizing during my lessons and it's because of her that I learned anything because - guess what? I wouldn't practice. I tried sometimes - but I got a tight throat. Sigh. And had a lot of terrible voices in my head that fed on my fear. Fear I'd never learn to do something I wanted to do.
At times I'd stop with lessons - for 2 years....for 3 years... for oh who knows....
Then I learned some new things thanks to a writing class. A really hard class. Susan agreed to try out an experiment: 10 minute voices lessons practically every day. Goal was to vocalize and learn how to practice. Learn how to observe. Learn how to extend observations throughout an exercise and session. Observation is NOT judgment or criticism. To learn to work without goal - to focus on exercises and learning those. These would be building blocks (as the are of course) to other parts of singing that I didn't need to worry about or work towards. Just relieve the pressure of jumping from a vocalese to singing. That kind feel like disconnected thing -- until learning begins to take place and seeps and works into songs.
When one is so very critical of the self it is almost impossible to make a sound - or make it again and again and again - to correct and then find self-correction.
So I've been learning for months how to observe. How to practice.
For the first time in my life - I am making a kind of headway that I hadn't been able to do so far.
I struggle to practice but nearly as much. I can practice and observe in my practice things I've noticed.
It's amazing.
Singing out for now (pun intended).
H
It is stuck in my head that I've been hitting my head against the wall of my demons for 13 years. It's actually longer.
I called Susan N. when I was 27. Fresh from huge left turn in my life when I dropped out of an education program to teach secondary education. I was overwhelmed - not sleeping, or eating - basically keeping a constant hum of anxiety attacks at bay - barely. The thing that I believe would have put me over the edge was to go forward and face 2 classrooms of students 5 days a week for 6 months. I had no idea how I'd get through. So I pulled out.
I regret it. But also if I had not made that left turn I would NEVER have met the most positive influences of my life: Susan (my wonderful friend and voice teacher and mentor and and and!).
From an early age, I'd loved musicals - like close and lock my brother's room to play and lose myself in singing along with record albums until he'd come home and politely kick me out. He had a stereo, you know - speakers. I had a portable record player that was fine for "babies" but not now that I was 10, 11, 12, 13.....
Think of it - I was 10 when A Chorus Line, Annie, and Chicago were hot hot hot! I saw them all. Can you imagine - the excitement that coursed through my body was electric. I wanted nothing more than to sing and dance and act on Broadway - channeling, inspiring, changing people's lives with music and dance and story. Give hope. Give light. As it had given to me.
While I totally plugged into the electricity - the feeling of it all - the technical parts were barriers.
Learning to dance. That takes dance classes (which I loved). But it takes A LOT of classes to train your body. You need resources to do that. I danced around my living room like that line in Chorus Line - and that was great but not enough.
When I started to take voice lessons, it was so difficult. Tight throat. Hoarse throat. I was about 15 or so.... And while I WANTED it BAD. Wanting is not enough when you have to face practice. I hated to listen to my voice. I struggled along for awhile switched teachers in high school and finally "gave up" - that is until I was 27 and seeking salvation in my shame of having dropped out of the program and working a shitty temp job as a clerk, I found Susan..
When I first spoke to Susan, I told her I wanted to be sing like "Cinderella" in "Into the Woods" - which is basically a light classical sound. Ha! Far away from what I could do.
I had lots of enthusiasm. For talking. For therap-izing, for avoiding the work during my lessons. We met meeting weekly. Slowly I learned. And learned to belt. Which gave me fuel to keep going when trying to become a more classical singer was / or seemed outside my realm.
The illusion of loving something SO MUCH can make you think (falsely) that you can do it. Art-making is often accessed from so many paths - and sometimes completely opposite from head-on that it can make you head spin. Wanting it doesn't make it possible to do it. But it'll keep you going and/or coming back.
Susan never never gave up on me. She carefully guided me into at least vocalizing during my lessons and it's because of her that I learned anything because - guess what? I wouldn't practice. I tried sometimes - but I got a tight throat. Sigh. And had a lot of terrible voices in my head that fed on my fear. Fear I'd never learn to do something I wanted to do.
At times I'd stop with lessons - for 2 years....for 3 years... for oh who knows....
Then I learned some new things thanks to a writing class. A really hard class. Susan agreed to try out an experiment: 10 minute voices lessons practically every day. Goal was to vocalize and learn how to practice. Learn how to observe. Learn how to extend observations throughout an exercise and session. Observation is NOT judgment or criticism. To learn to work without goal - to focus on exercises and learning those. These would be building blocks (as the are of course) to other parts of singing that I didn't need to worry about or work towards. Just relieve the pressure of jumping from a vocalese to singing. That kind feel like disconnected thing -- until learning begins to take place and seeps and works into songs.
When one is so very critical of the self it is almost impossible to make a sound - or make it again and again and again - to correct and then find self-correction.
So I've been learning for months how to observe. How to practice.
For the first time in my life - I am making a kind of headway that I hadn't been able to do so far.
I struggle to practice but nearly as much. I can practice and observe in my practice things I've noticed.
It's amazing.
Singing out for now (pun intended).
H
